- “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart” – Masai Graham
- “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…” – Stuart Mitchell
- “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10” – Mark Watson
- “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit” – Mark Smith
- “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second” – Will Duggan
- “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” – Tiff Stevenson
- “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words” – Gary Delaney
- “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor” – Adele Cliff
- “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” – Annie McGrath
- “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask” – Jordan Brookes
- “Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first” – Michelle Wolf
- “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound” – Roger Swift
- “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer” – Arthur Smith
- “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses” – Zoe Lyons
- “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word” – Phil Nicol
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